Uncorrected Proofs

Ranting, or quickly commenting... both are good if they let me open up

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Should I... Should i just let go of everything now, and stay away from relationships and anything of that sort for several years? I'm amazed at how selfish i really am... I hurt so many people, and i could hurt so many more... what should i choose...
I feel so lost again... Like i have no focas. Well dont get me wrong, i've always had a lack of focas, but now it seems non-exsistant. I feel sad when i think of Lindsay... which is new because normally my heart swells up and i can take on the world... I think its all because of my choice to not get any closer due to distance reasons. Maybe also because i feel guilty for being interested in someone else too. Am I settling for Michelle because she's closer? I don't know...

none-the-less, I don't know who my relationship with michelle is progressing, if it even is. I think i've let myself get attached to her to much. But isnt getting over attached and taking that plunge into a relationship what it's all about. So why do i hesitate. Why HAVE I LET MYSELF LIKE HER THIS MUCH. it has got to the point of wanting to be with her most of my waking day. But i know this is insane... so I settle with the breif conversation spread over the few minutes were actually close to eachother. Then off she goes with her crazy life, having fun with kristyn an laura where-ever when-ever she can.

This brings up jealousy within me. I'm jealous of the friendship kristyn and laura get to have with Michelle. I wonder to myself, Why can't we be that good of friends. thats all i really want. But this should end in me. Jealousy is not welcome in my heart. I have no place for negativity here! So Luke, What do you do!


I'm also afraid. I'm afraid that i'm looking for a best friend, and romantic partner to share my life with, while she's just exploring something new. She's just filling a gap andrew left in her. Yes i'm jealous of andrew. I'm jealous he got to her first. And that deep down under the hurt he gave her in her heart she still loves you. I feel like i have to step up, and fight my way into that spot. But thats probibly not what she wants. She's not looking for something in my like im looking for sometihng in her. No she's probibly just looking for the fun of the moment. Which im not saying is wrong. and im not saying i cant be that guy some of the time. But if thats what she's looking for, ... Idunno... I'm afraid of kristyn and laura rubbing off on her. Kristyn and Laura have this whole anti love thing going on. that they've catagorized as "the college guy" thingy; Where they arnt lookign for emotional attachment, but the quick fix of fun. But they seem so... shallow... It's not who i'd look for at all in a woman. Selfishness thats all it is. I dont want it to rub off on michelle, and i hope it already hasnt consisdering those three are always together

I don't know how make my next step. all this ... stuff... is just floating around in my heart and i don't know what to do. Part of me wants her to know this weird depressing emo confussed side. But the other part of me doesnt want to interupt her easy going chipper self. she'd probibly just roll her eyes and sigh and totally veiw me in a new light and then go off chatting with the girls about how im ruining her buzz and she just wants to go out and party and find the ideal guy for her.

This has seriously been in my mind for the past 3 days...

And its been bringing me down...

Okay, its not everything. I know, blah blah blah... But I also think about how messed up I am about this relationship right now, but wait untill school progresses... We dont share any classes, we might not eveng et the same lunch. She's off at like a million sports things, the barn, and work. and when she does get free of that, she has to go home and do alll her homework, and then sleep and repeat... Where do I fit in? She said she'll make time. she always makes time... but i don't want to be just another thing on her list of things to do. even if we manage to make it together for the whole year... afterwards she's moving far away to university... that's pretty much a relationship killer right there if the other stuff wasnt. Cause long distance i can't handle... as I've admitted to.. and she'll be with all these other people who are also going somewhere with their lives, maybe she'll meet mr right then.

So what... should I end it now, after careful forsight of whats to come? Save myself and her more heartache (if she would even feel heartache) . And another thing. It's daunting when i find out my older brother, who i look upto to and respect has broken up with his g/f shivi of being together for 4 or so years... AND they were even in the same university after highschool... so in the back fo my head im kinda thinking, if my brother cant make it work when they're so close, then what makes me even have hope for me .

Well it does feel better to gett 3 days of crap outtve my mind. I'm not even going to bother proof reading this it's all a bunch of gibberish ranting that no-one really wants to hear. but this post was for myself.

But to end this with some positivity would be wise. So i'm greatful for family, my spiritual side, food, friends, electricity, my bed, the sun, the clouds, the rain, my pets, lord of the rings haha, and this blog.